Happy Hump-Day!

Hello all you guys out there! Hope your Wolf Shirt Wednesday was awesome!! My day has been alright, I just finished all of my make up work because I missed a day before Thanksgiving break. In a  econ test I took I got one of the lowest test scores I have ever received for 2 reasons 1) I took the test in the hallway and next door a Child Psych video was playing so fucking loud I couldn’t concentrate because the whole video just talked about how girls are ahead of boys developmentally. 2) It was after a week and I didn’t study as much as I could’ve but I’ve never studied before so I wasn’t planning on much. Plus it’s an added insult since I am president of the Econ club…oh well I’m going to try really hard, I work better under stress.

Ok rant done.

Since today was Wednesday another Jenna Marbles video came out and I think it is GREAT. Jenna’s humor is exactly what mine is except I’m not nearly as funny as her. She is so sarcastic and cynical it’s just fits my humor preferences so well! Here it is:

I’m so excited for December, Christmas time is my favorite time ever for so many reasons: the food, cheer, decorations, music, togetherness, yes presents, snow, no school, and the whole mood makes me so happy. December I will start to make occasional videos! I already have made a Christmas music video with my best friend. I’m excited to get all this going.

Thank you guys for commenting and reading! Readership really has increased drastically since the blog’s beginning! If you like the blog share it!! Send links to your friends!!

First Day of Swimming!

Today marked my last first day of varsity swimming at my pool. It was mostly sweet. One thing that’s very interesting about our team is that our coach has been coaching for 56, he has won numerous awards on state and national scales. Our school has held many state champions in the past few years because we had a few very strong swimmers. This year however isn’t very strong, well, we have good depth but no star swimmers. And here’s where my coach comes into play. My coach believes that anyone should be able to swim and that anyone in 10-12th grade can make varsity which is very nice of him but he then also has to teach the newbies how to swim. So every year for the first month we just relearn how to swim. For someone who has been swimming year round for almost seven years this gets a bit frustrating, because this year more than ever we need those intense practices that get us that competitive edge. And when I say these things to people it really makes me look like a asshole because my coach’s ideas are noble but I think they aren’t best for the competition. I am extremely competitive so I rant about this all the time but I still have a hard time trying to find a way to put this all without sounding like a complete jerk. Besides all that, practice went well it’s really nice to see all my swimming friends in one place because in the off season we all go to our separate clubs. A highlight of today was that a good friend and I have been working really hard at bubble rings and we have practically perfected them. Here is a video of them:

Hope you all had a good monday it was a difficult one to get back to right after Thanksgiving!

 

It’s Time

Over the past 24 hours Al, another gay friend of mine, and a blog reader have suggested that I post this video about ending marriage discrimination. An Australian equal rights group made this very well done video that you all should take a look at. Personally, this made my eyes water it gives me such hope.

In other news, I have officially submitted my applications for college! Although I have a supplement for one or two I am completely finished with five schools. As promised, I said I would post my main essay that I’ve been working on for so long so here it is:

Every person in the world encounters obstacles throughout their life. These problems shape what type of young adult they will be. I spent countless moments struggling with a problem of mine, hoping and praying it would go away.

My problem was internal; no one needed to know it. My problem seemed to set me apart from the rest of the world. It made me alone. I felt that neither society nor I could accept this problem. At least that’s what I thought.

For the better part of high school I did all I could to hide it. To some people, I am a lesser person because of it. It killed me on the inside, so I did all I could to be perceived as normal.

This past summer changed the way I perceived things and everything having to do with my problem changed.  I was tired of being something I wasn’t, and a lot of what I experienced this summer showed me that it was okay to stop hiding the true me. My church taught me that I am an image of God and I was brought to this earth for a purpose. At a Ke$ha concert I went to, she preached self acceptance. And the TV show Glee asserted that I should care less about what people think and focus on making myself happy. Towards the end of my summer all of these messages finally clicked with me. I resolved to take action.

Late this summer, I decided to reveal my secret to my closest friend. Half expecting her to already know my secret, I told her in my car on the way to a concert. Immediately following my confession, she told me how proud she was of me and that she accepted and loved me just as much as she did before I told her. The world didn’t end; I actually felt better letting her know. At that moment I realized that I could have more than just self acceptance, the people closest to me could accept me as well. I began to tell more and more friends, and it was incredibly liberating because they all accepted the true me. I had a stable group of friends who supported me.

I eventually told my parents the life changing secret. Once again I received nothing but acceptance from my parents. I realized that some people take years to figure out who they are and come to terms with themselves. In my first seventeen years I have not only found myself I have found a new confidence that shows throughout my whole life. I am confident in my opinions, actions, and decisions due to my recent self discovery.

I have found out that I am gay. I accept my sexual orientation, and my self discovery has helped me to become the confident young adult I am today.

 

Outstory: Al

Yesterday, a good friend of mine came out to me. We had a really good conversation and stayed up till 1:30. For the record he was the one that I came out to earlier this week and he felt comfortable enough around me that I was the first person he came out to. I felt incredibly honored that he felt comfortable enough to divulge such personal secrets to me. He told me of his dilemmas and I told him that he could write a post and I would post it here and you all would give feedback! I’m so proud of him!

“Part 1: Dating Dilemma

10 months, 7 months, 6 months, 5 months, 3 months, 2 months, 3 weeks, 2 months, 2 weeks, 1 month, 3 weeks, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, 2 weeks.

There’s definitely a pattern to the numbers. Some would call it an exponential decline, others would simply state that they keep getting smaller. It took me 4 years to recognize this pattern, and only with the common sense from one of my best friends.

We were in choir when she asked how long my last relationship had lasted. I told her I was still involved with it. She followed up by asking how long I had been involved with it. My answer: 2 weeks. She laughed and jokingly called me a man whore. I was used to my friends calling me that, because quite honestly that’s what I had become in the last 4 years.

A man-whore.

I had gone through over 14 relationships with girls younger and older than me in 4 years without being single for more than 1 week. My friend always joked around with me about it, and every time I laughed it off, scared to face the truth. I knew why it grew shorter every time. But I couldn’t admit I knew. Not even to myself. Because then I would have to face who I really was. And there was nothing worse than that.
All throughout Middle School I was bullied by people who thought I was gay. School was a nightmare for me, and just like every person who is bullied relentlessly, I felt alone. All of my guy friends stopped talking to me. As one of them put it, “Nobody wanted to take the chance that I would… you know… do something to them…”

The hard part was, I hadn’t even come out yet. I was actually in denial that I even could be gay. So far I’d only had 1 girlfriend, and I wasn’t even in 8th grade. People were assuming things for me, and that was one of the worst feelings in the world. Then my girlfriend and I split up because I didn’t agree with the way she was treating one of my best friends. The tormenting increased. As an 7th grader, I was frantically searching for the answer to cure my misery. Telling people I wasn’t gay wasn’t doing anything. I had to do more.

Then I discovered Facebook. The website that lets people see what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, and how you’re doing it. It was there that I found the answer. Relationship Status. I could be in a straight relationship and people couldn’t call me gay. That relationship status proved I wasn’t gay. I realized that this was where my man-whore problem began.

I craved that feeling of having my relationship status come up on the homepage. It screamed, “I’M STRAIGHT! LOOK! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!” Somehow this website helped ease the torment I was receiving, and like a drug, I was hooked. Over the next couple years my image went from the gay kid to the man-whore who sleeps with everyone. I was fine with it because it helped me stay away from the truth. The ironic part was that I wasn’t actually sleeping with anyone, people just assumed I was. ‘Easy A’ moment, right?

So back to the choir room. After choir my friend came up to me and gave me a dare. She knew I had been thinking about breaking up with my current girlfriend, so she was prepared. She dared me to stay single for the rest of the year (2 months) and she would give me $20.

It was in that moment that I realized I was using girls as a way to hide me being gay. They genuinely liked me, and I was leading them on in order to save my own image. I knew I needed to stop. And I did. I agreed to her dare, knowing I would win. I stayed single for the next 5 months (and am still today). But I still didn’t come out.

Part 2: Parents

This was the second round of my problems. I was raised in a Catholic, conservative family with very strict parents. As I’d gotten older I would question things that the church did, with the response “it’s in the bible” thrown at me every time. I can’t even begin to explain how aggravating it is to have to sit through a church service without agreeing with the very church you’re supposed to be worshipping.

I could rant about how I disagree with everything the church preaches about gays, but it would probably get boring. I’ll just leave it at a question. If we’re supposed to have Church separated from State, then why does the bible’s definition of marriage influence our political definition of marriage so much?

Back to my parents. They basically told me last year that being gay is disgusting, and they don’t believe that it should be okay for gays to get married. So I’m just going to assume they wouldn’t be too happy if I came out anytime soon… That is a small problem. I hear stories of families who throw out their children for being gay, and I feel sick every time because I know that my parents would be just as mad at me.

Earlier on this year my parents accidentally found out that I had been going on some blog sites geared towards gay teens. They confronted me about it, and I was able to convince them it was from pop-ups on Facebook. A lot of my friends had been getting hacked at the time, so they believed that one of my friends sent it to me as a joke. Even though it was only a blog site, my mom was crying the whole night, and my dad wouldn’t look me in the eyes when he talked to me about it. It was a blog site. That’s it. Imagine if I walked in the door with a boyfriend.
So there’s a second problem I’m facing with coming out.

Part 3: Social Position

I would consider myself fairly likable. Despite being bullied throughout Middle School I made a lot of new friends, and ended up being voted onto Court this year in a school of over 1500 kids. I’m also president of over 5 clubs, and I work closely with the administrations of three elementary schools as well as the high school I go to. You could say there are a few eyes watching what I do…

That brings me to the final reason why I can’t seem to be able to come out. I am so scared of what people will think of me. All of the friendships I’ve made, would they crumble? Would people judge me, or act completely differently towards me? How about the adults in my community? Would they feel weird around me, or would they respect me for my choice? It all scares me to the point where I don’t know what to do, or even what to think. I started having panic attacks sophomore year, and they’ve continued to today.

The funny part was that I felt that nobody at the school realized/realizes what I am going through, because they believed me when I told them it was college apps stressing me out, or the test tomorrow that I forgot to study for. I had a million excuses to use, and I still have a million more.
Then I met the author of this blog, and he helped me feel confident about being myself. Not directly I guess, but just in the way that he feels comfortable about his own sexuality. I guess it all comes down to me coming out to a few people at a time. I don’t have to come out all at once in a big boisterous exploding package.

My first step in coming out was telling this blogger that I’m gay. He seemed a little surprised, but I guess I was a little bit when he came out to me earlier this week. He actually recommended that I write this so that I feel better about my situation, and honestly, I feel a lot better. Thanks dude.
The next step is telling my best girl friend. I don’t know when I’ll do it, but I know I have to. I feel like I should, because if this is who I‘m going to be for the rest of my life then I need to feel comfortable being myself around my closest friends.

I apologize if this is too long, or if I rambled, but I needed to write it out and so here it is.”

He is actually planning on coming out tonight to his best girl friend I wish him the best I’m so proud of him!!

Black Friday Fun

Thanksgiving for me was spectacular, and the food was absolutely wonderful. I had even more fun going out at midnight with three of my friends. Before yesterday, I had done one Black Friday event and it was an absolute nightmare. This year it was a blast. We started by meeting at about 10 so we could wait in line at Target. We waited in line for about an hour and we were some of the first people allowed in the store. Naturally, it was a mad house the huge TVs went within the first five minutes all we got though was a single movie. We moved to the nearby mall where we got a variety of things at a variety of places. We went to Herbergers, Macy’s, Victoria Secret, H&M, Len Druskin. I thought that I was going to be having to give the girl in our group the fashion advice but it turned out to be my friend Luscious (because of his voluptuous lips) who helped the girl, Tina. Most of the time I just sat in the background with the other straight guy let’s call him Al and we just had a great time bro-ing  out. I saved over 60$!

Later on yesterday, Duke came home early! So after a 8 hour snooze after the shopping  madness his plane touched down and we met up a few hours later. We started our date off going to a computer store because Duke needed a new hard drive and he built his computer so he needs to work all of the computer stuff from scratch. This absolutely amazes me it seems so complicated to build your own computer but Duke did it! Anyway, after the computer store we went to a restaurant during happy hour and had a fantastic dinner. We decided to go back to Macy’s where I got some presents for my parents but shortly after we returned home. Back at my house we cuddled and did random stuff for hours. Eventually we ended up watching my favorite movie Ratatouille with my head on his heart and I fell asleep to his heartbeat, it was magical waking up with his arms around me. He had to be getting home however so we took our sweet time saying our goodbyes and we texted for the rest of the night.

Later that night I hung out with my good friend that I recently became friends with this year and we really had some in depth conversations. Overall a good way to spend my black friday with shopping, Duke, and friends. Hope everyone’s thanksgiving went well!

At the Abercrombie and Fitch there were real models that we took a picture with!

Thanksgiving List!

This year has been a spectacular year to reflect upon. So much was done and I have so much to feel truly blessed about. I used to think Thanksgiving was such a boring holiday with dry food that I’d be eating for weeks, but now that I’m older there are so many blessings that we can all be thankful for. For one, living in a privileged nation where the standard of living is so high that we don’t have to worry about surviving, or getting our next meal. But besides that mushy stuff that I am truly thankful for here is my top 10 list:

10. Jenna Marbles.

9. Chocolate. Candy Canes. Pumpkin things.

8. Glee, Real world, and Burn Notice.

7. Dance music, I love dancing.

6. Ke$ha. Enough said.

5. Swimming, although I don’t like it always it has kept me in shape, made me some of the best friends, and made for some of the best memories.

4. This blog, it has proved to be a great way to vent my feelings and give and get support.

3. My Family, sappy but true. They are wonderful most of the time.

2. My super supportive friends. They will always have my back and I will always have theirs.

1. Duke, he sparked a internal revolution in my life and I love him 🙂 (Especially cuddling with him)

Have a truly wonderful Thanksgiving, reflect on what you are thankful for even comment it if you want!!

Guys V Girls

Tonight I just came out to another friend. This time it was a guy. I believe my count for people knowing is like 9 girls and 4 guys. The reason for this isn’t that I don’t have guy friends but I think it is exponentially harder to come out to a guy than a girl. I’m not really quite sure how that is?

I have several theories but I can’t really prove them. For one, I feel guys make more hurtful gay jokes than girls so the seem less accepting. Also, I have a fear that any guy I come out to will think I’m interested in him which usually I’m not. Thirdly, although I never think I would have to worry about this, usually males have been known to physically abuse gay kids. Also, I’ve never really heard of a guy “always wanting a gay best friend” it just doesn’t happen. Plus I’m sure there is loads of other reasons which you guys should share! But I find it funny that coming out to girls seems easier than coming out to guys. It doesn’t register in my head.

Hope you all have a fantastic Turkey Day! Top 10 things that I’m thankful for are next!!

I’m Back!

For those of you who know, this past weekend I was at a church retreat called TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) and I had a blast. Let me just summarize what we do on this weekend. TEC is put on by 10-12th graders and we put on the weekend for people going through (candidates). I was a candidate in 10th grade and have been on team ever since. On this retreat we do a wide variety of things. We listen to 8 talks; 6 by teenagers, 2 by adults, about people’s life stories to “who we are in relation to god” talks. This TEC I was a table leader and I led a group of nine candidates in discussions after talks but we did far more than talk. We were able to show god’s love to each other in many ways by writing personal notes to the people we knew, we hugged each other approximately 4753085745837 times, and sang a lot. My personal favorite moment of the weekend was after a trust walk we led the candidates into a room blindfolded reading scripture, ripped off the blindfolds to a all out dance party. I danced my A$$ off 😉 Overall this was a wonderful weekend!

I’m glad to be back I’ve been able to reconnect with family and friends and most importantly Duke 🙂 I have the whole week off due to conferences and I have so far been making the most of it! Last night, I hung out with some friends till 2 AM, I was so slap happy it was like being drunk! Also earlier that night I came out to another friend and it was yet again another success story she had nothing but nice things to say about it 🙂 So far I think coming out is fun, every time I feel like I’m becoming more and more free and it’s exhilarating.

One thing I have been obsessed with recently is this blog “Break the Illusion” by Davey Wavey. His blog is such a inspiration to me and I’m sure so many people. Recently Davey has been posting a bunch of guys’ coming out stories, including the gay soldier that went viral after the repealing of DADT. I totally suggest checking this blog out! http://www.breaktheillusion.com/

Peace!

TEC

It turns out I have more time than I originally thought, so I thought I would do a last post for the weekend! I will have no phone, no internet so I hope all of you guys have a great weekend and I’ll post again on sunday!

Protect IP

The Protect IP is yet another piece of legislation that I believe shows how moronic our government is. The Protect IP bill is a bill that has recently been drawn up and is to be voted on soon in the Senate and House of Representatives. This bill was designed to allow the government to block americans ability to type in any sites that endanger the entertainment industry or even block sites that have links to incriminated sites. Basically this means that all file sharing sites will be banned, and any site that links to these types of sites. One could link to a file sharing site on Facebook, therefore this could ban Facebook and other sites that the government feels is endangering the entertainment industry. This bill would effectively cripple the internet and put us leagues behind other nations technologically. Additionally, this type of internet “control” is used by countries like China and Iran who have been severely crippled by censoring the internet. Lastly, the internet industry brings in significantly more profit than the entertainment business ever will so our economy could also suffer from this bill. Although this bill was made with good hearted intentions to control pirating there are far more negative impacts that will come from this bill than positives. This bill has no place in our nation and I urge everyone to sign online petitions to oppose this atrocious bill. Here is a link: http://act.demandprogress.org/sign/protectip_docs

Now that I’m done ranting, this will be my last blog post for the next few days because I will be at a church retreat called TEC (Teens Encounter Christ) I really enjoy this weekend I still want to figure out more about my spirituality because honestly I don’t know where I am. Hope you all had a good Wolf Shirt Wednesday! and a have a good weekend!